We all know that one delulu person who’s constantly simping over their crush, sending a full screen of unseen texts and overanalyzing every little thing. Or the friend who’s just the total opposite and ghosts people for days. Then there’s the one who seems like both: one moment, they’re pouring their heart out, and the next, they’re shutting you out completely, leaving you confused and unsure where you stand.
People are messy. Relationships even more so. But there's been a psychological theory that has been gaining traction that might explain why we behave the way we do in relationships.
Attachment Theory
Attachment is a biologically driven system designed to ensure that infants, who are entirely dependent on caregivers, remain close to them for protection, nourishment, and comfort. This system is especially activated during times of stress or fear, prompting the infant to seek proximity to their caregiver for safety. The caregiver’s response to these needs, whether they are consistent and nuturing or not, plays a pivotal role in shaping how the child views relationships and themselves.
Attachment theory suggests that these early interactions with caregivers are what form the foundation to how we connect with others throughout our lives, influencing our ability to trust, seek support, and navigate intimacy.
Styles of Attachment
The attachment styles that arise for a caretaker's response can essentially be boiled down to 4 categories.
Secure
The gold standard. People with this style feel more confident and trusting, and are comfortable with intimacy as well as independence. Formed from consistent warm responses from their caretaker, it fosters a sense of self-worth and safety within themselves, allowing them to communicate openly knowing they have a secure base to return to.
Anxious
This is a more emotionally intense attachment style. People with this style often fear abandonment and crave constant reassurance, developed from inconsistent caregiving; when a caregiver is sometimes attentive and nurturing but other times distant or unresponsive. This inconsistency creates uncertainty and anxiety, making them more sensitive to rejection and overly focused on seeking validation from their partners.
Avoidant
This attachment style prioritizes independence and emotional distance. People with this style are often uncomfortable with intimacy and prefer to suppress or avoid their emotional needs. It is typically formed when caregivers are emotionally unavailable or dismissive, leading the individual to rely on self-sufficiency as a way to cope. They’ll tell you they’re independent (and they are), but it’s also a defense mechanism. Vulnerability? It's too risky. Even if deep down, they want connection as much as anyone else.
Disorganized
This is the most conflicting and unstable attachment style. People with this style simultaneously crave closeness and fear intimacy, often exhibiting unpredictable or chaotic behaviors in relationships, as a result of growing up in environments where caregivers are both a source of comfort and fear, often due to neglect or abuse. This creates a deep internal struggle with trust, leaving them feeling unsure about their relationships and their place, causing them to sometimes push people away, only to pull them back.
Style Change
If you're reading this and wondering if you can change your style to be more secure, well,the answer is you can. But it's going to be hard. It's no different than taking the steps towards self improvement: be self aware recognize the problem and act on it, build connections with the people you want to be like (securely attached people), and learn how to self regulate your emotions, such as through therapeutic support, or mindfulness and meditation. But as something that has been engrained in you like a second nature, it would take time, effort, and discomfort to rewrite, but the reward of stronger, healthier relationships and a better self is definitely worth it.
